27 December 2007

family update and the christmas holidays

Well I am pleased to announce a new arrival to the family, I now have a niece. She was born at the weekend just before Christmas. But I can add to that news as my brother has also asked his girlfriend to marry him (she said yes).

It has been a busy few days, enjoyable and thought provoking. We have had our new arrival, the good news from my brother and shared a few days together as a family. Sadly there was some bad news a few weeks ago involving someone who was in my year at school. While on holiday he got shot in the head during a tragic accident. He is still alive but is expected to have disabilities. That really made me think, he is the same age as me and almost lost his life. Life is a wonderful yet fragile thing and my heart went out to his family this Christmas.

This year I got my nephews an electric guitar. Its there birthday present as well. I wanted to get them one as they had shown an interest and while there young its best to learn. The looks on there faces when they opened it up made it all worthwhile. It will be something I will never forget. Now I'm going to get some guitar lessons sorted, so who knows, I might be playing guitar with my nephews one day.

To all of you out there, I hope you had a happy and peaceful Christmas.

2 December 2007

Another update

After getting that shirt a few months back, I finally actually wore it.


Sorry I haven't been on for so long, busy time of year.

well about two weeks back I had a bad cold/ flu type thing, hence the last post. Sadly colds and flu set me back. Anxiety problems usually start after a flu/ cold, so its not surprising that after you have one, anxiety gets worse.

Thankfully I have started going out again although it feels like i have started from the beginning. The first few times I went out, I was extremely nervous by the time I had gotten down the road. every time a person went past I would feel even worse.

All I can do is carry on with getting out and hope things ease off again soon. Although with a new niece and nephew on there way very soon, something tells me its going to get quite busy around here.

10 November 2007

johnnie darko

There are times just like this when the urge to run away from life, from responsibilities, is at its greatest. Life has developed in to nothing. Freedom does not exist. Everything we do is monitored, every simple thing made complex, every detail enlarged. How long can we go picking at ourselves?

I'm going to work for myself, has soon as I have found out all the red tape and how it works.

Freedom is what you make of it. Money plays no part.People are what you make of them. Risks have to be taken in order to learn, so you can experience... life.

Right now all I want is to be alone, to have no one around me. Whats my greatest flaw? People, they are what bring the worst out of me, people.

1 November 2007


Well my TMA is not going very well. Nothing is inspiring me and im in a mood because its so cold and dark outside. i used to like the winter but Im really not enjoying it at all this year.

With my TMA (assignment) due in tomorrow, im just going to have to send in the rubbish I have produced. I did write a second one but even that wasn't any good.

sorry I haven't bin on any blogs recently, just snowed under trying to sort this course stuff out. All the exercises I have done turned out brilliantly only for the assignment to turn out rubbish. Im not too bothered about the marks for it, I would rather have known that i had produced a good quality piece of writing instead.

28 October 2007

did you see that

In the last post I put 'because i WAS agoraphobic', you see, my thinking has changed without me even knowing it. Lets hope this is the way forward.


well I did spend 15 mins writing something only to press send and get the 'cant display page message'. Turned out my modem wanted a little break and didn't tell me. So I lost what I wrote, but never mind.

I have changed the 'about me' profile section. It used to say that I was agoraphobic, but I didn't like having that there. The thing about labels is you start living by them. Its like when my parents tell people that I didn't come with them because I was agoraphobic, really its because I would be bored stupid and wouldn't be the slightest bit interested going. That's why I don't like the term, it gets used for everything and takes over. so i wont be using that label. Hope this makes sense, it does to me.

24 October 2007

latest update

well..... went to the tip three times on Sunday with my dad. Cant say I enjoyed it. I thought I would have enjoyed it more, however I was surprised at the amount of traffic there is. Only a few years ago you could go out on a Sunday and see three cars, this time it was like a week day rush hour and I am by no means joking. We had to wait behind about 10 cars at the tip each time we went there. Three years ago we never had ques.

I have been trying to catch up on my course work. Got a little behind trying to sort out the garden. Now the weathers so cold creative writing will have all the time it needs. Wrote a little something yesterday. Will edit it a bit and post it up.

Getting my hair cut on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it, getting it done short again so its more manageable. I'm hoping that it will refresh me a little more.

i have wondered out on the odd day Sometimes walking, sometimes cycling, or sometimes bit of both. Now the days are getting dark I think I will need to re look at my lighting.

To be honest I'm a little... out of focus I suppose you could say. I like to think of what job I would like to do etc and I do have a few ideas, but when I cant stand having people anywhere near me... I suppose the end goal just seems so far off. I find it easier not to think of an end goal at times, I try to remember what it was like when I walked to school or went out on my bike, walked the dog etc, when I was younger. I try and think of how I used to be. I want to enjoy the outdoors. How can a modern lifestyle be so good when it makes so many people like me? There are thousands of people with anxiety, depression, social problems..... I have to say that I blame it on how we live. Everything is too fast, too demanding and if you cant keep up then your forgotten about. People go to work to try and keep a roof over there head, to pay off the mortgage that's 8 times there wadge. Why cant people be allowed to enjoy work anymore? to enjoy life. Life is such a precious thing that gets taken for granted.

I think I'm done rambling now, it just really gets to me.

15 October 2007

the latest

Well today I finished preparing the soil down the side of our house. I have previously dug out about 5 inch's of soil, put down a weed liner (stops the weeds growing through, we have problems with one which roots very deeply). So today I finished putting the last bit of soil on. Will hopefully tomorrow put the seed on (although its supposed to rain in the morning so will have to see how the soil is). We are having meadow grass which is a mixture of grasses and wild flowers.

Went for a little walk after dinner. Had some young people drive past in a mini. Why is it young people have to use there horn? I almost jumped out of my skin but thankfully stayed calm... very calm for me.

I'm now trying to decide how I want my hair done, will try and get it cut next week if the hairdressers free (and if I have any money).

Got a book today on face toning. says it works in three to four weeks so I will post before and after photos up in a few weeks. Hope it does work. Want to get some arm weights too.

14 October 2007

Course explained and a little exercise

I forgot to mention what A215 was (thanks for pointing it out). The OU course (A215) is a creative writing course. I have previously done a fiction writing course so this was next on the list for me. Sadly I missed the tutorial yesterday. I think I would feel more comfortable going to one when I'm settled in to the course a little more.

Currently I am trying to spruce myself up a bit. Want a few new changes like a new hairstyle, I'm thinking of going short again.

I recently got myself a helmet so I can go cycling again. Went out with it today, just round the block. I want to try and make that a regular thing. I do love to cycle.

there's not really much more to add at the moment. While I do my course I might post up the odd story or something. I will be doing quite a lot as you have to write each day.

O yea, found a bike alarm the other day, thinking of getting one. You can even get a tracking device for if it gets stolen. I know of two people who have had bikes stolen in town so they might come in handy.

I also found a really nice picture that I'm thinking of getting for my room. Its called 'going home at dusk' and its by john Atkinson Grimshaw. The painting is on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book that I have. Always have liked it. Its very dark and cold but in a warm way. It reminds me of when I used to take my dog for walks in the winter. There is just something so nice about being wrapped up and walking in the rain.... or maybe its just me?

9 October 2007

Hello again

Ok so this time I really did forget about the blog.

well I have been busy during the last week. my parents went on holiday so I had the house all to myself for the whole week!. That was a first for me. I cleaned the place through and was just about to get a few tins of paint and a new sofa when my parents came back, turned out they hadn't forgotten where we lived. I knew I should have changed those locks.

I have also started the Open Uni course A215 which I am enjoying. However although last week left me with a lot of things to do, this weeks I don't really have enough. I need some physical things to do, I cant write until I have worked off some energy.

Will hopefully go for a walk tomorrow, got to go down to the tip as well with my dad. I was busy in the garden last week digging out a patch. We are putting meadow grass (different grasses and wildflowers) down the side of the house. We have a little field mouse down there so it will be a mouse run for him.

i have ordered a helmet so I can get back on my bike again. I really want to exercise more. I like to feel fit, get some fresh air. But I daren't go on my bike without a new helmet (other one is too small).

Will hopefully post again soon.

25 September 2007


sorry, I haven't been on here in a while. I'm a little confused at the moment and have been spending some time trying to think things through. Why are things never easy?

I haven't forgotten the blog and will be back again soon.

19 September 2007

Retail therapy

Although the last few days haven't been that good (not feeling 100% and not sleeping very well), there is nothing a bit of retain therapy cant help. My mum got a sales leaflet through the other day. Not only did I find some combat trousers which I wanted at a reduced price I also found the shirt and jeans I'm wearing (yes I know they still have the tags on). Not bad though are they.

Day 31

well another day gone. Still got the sniffles and had another bad nights sleep. But I have had a good bath and a shave and gotten on with some of my studying for my new course.

Its been a month now since I started this blog. So tomorrow i will try and have a good read through and will do a little write up about it, a summary if you like.


In case other people caring for people with anxiety/ agoraphobia etc were reading the last post. I'm not saying that relationships will be the cause for everyone. The cause will be different for each person.

Its not easy coping with someone in my situation, which is where I had a lot of respect for my ex. So if you are looking after someone, then good for you. when your going through a difficult time, its always good to know that you have a partner who you can rely on. that goes for parents too. Although you may think your support gets unnoticed, trust me it doesn't and one day you will be thanked for it.

Day 30

I'm still a little unsettled about last week, so many changes. Saying that though I think they have all helped. I actually felt like going out today, I wasn't worried like I usually am. In fact I went out on my bike, something I haven't done in a while. I really enjoyed it. I didn't go very far but I think it was the first time I had been out on my own without a single worry. Could it have been that being in a relationship caused all this, it did start not long after I began going out with my ex. I feel like I have come to terms with the relationship being gone now, I have all the memories but I cant remember very well what it all felt like (which I'm a bit sad about). Maybe letting go of my ex is the key to all this? However I would need to find out why a relationship caused this (if that is the case).

not feeling all that bright again today. didn't get a good nights sleep last night. I felt fine until the evening. Think I am getting a cold so i will take things easy tomorrow and make sure i wrap up warm, maybe a morning bath will help. Love baths, haven't had one in ages (Ive had showers instead, in case you were wondering). I can sit in a bath for a good hour, I usually take a book but I so often don't read it, just sit back and think.

I feel a bit bad about turning this person down for a relationship at the weekend. They were lovely, hadn't had much luck with relationships and I just hope that they don't feel hurt by it. It would have been wrong for me to have just gone along with it, would have caused more hurt further on. I just hope that someone gives them the chance, its not often you come across such a warm hearted person.

18 September 2007

Days 27, 28 and 29

Sorry! I know I haven't been on here for a few days, really bad of me I know. Well I have quite a bit of good news. I have decided that I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't crave for my ex like I used to and its not that that's holding me back, its myself. I want to do a few things on my own. I want to get out, get a job and get a flat. I want to fill that flat up with my things and do what I want to do for a while. So maybe in a year or two when I have satisfied myself, I might look out for someone then.

I have gained a new friend! He is a radio presenter and the most nicest person that you could ever meet. My situation doesn't bother him at all and I must say its so nice to have the company again. We have met up twice in recent days and he is due round at the weekend. The good thing about friends is that they are not around you all the time, and they are always there when you need them.

I have also gotten a CBT book which was recommended to me by Cathy (whose link I really should put up), and her son. Just started reading through it and i must say that it looks as though it will be good.

I do worry however. Things are starting to go right for a change and i keep finding myself wondering whats going to go wrong.

And thank you for your comments people, I do try to reply to them (under the comments posted). Its good to know that I have support out there. Its also a very good way of getting to know some very interesting people. this blog has opened a new world up to me.

Although I haven't been out much... OK, at all, for the last few days, I have at least begun to retrieve a social life again. It was all very confusing for me at first but me and my new friend seem to be understanding each other more and more. its nice to have met someone who is so patient and who I can actually feel relaxed around.

Bit under the weather at the moment, maybe the start of a cold. So I don't really know what I will do tomorrow, will have to see how I am. Got a lot to do in the garden before autumn sets in, its already getting cold.

15 September 2007

Day 26

What a week. An emotional roller coaster. A challenge. I don't think I can put it all in to words just yet. Everything is still sinking in.

Thank you Aimée for your comment. I cant believe it has almost been a month now. So much has happened in that time and so much has been achieved. A lot still needs to be done.

Is it possible to be in love with two people? Can you love someone who you can't be with yet love another person just as much at the same time?

14 September 2007

Day 25

A very busy day for me. I had to go out with my mum in to town, which went well, walked back by myself with the shopping.

just feeling a bit confused at the moment. Emotions are... well they are just not there. i feel blank like I don't know who I am. Its just really odd. the whole week has been odd though.

Think I just need some time to myself, time to think about what I really want again.

12 September 2007

Day 24

very tired today, was up late last night. On the plus side I did go for a little walk, wasn't a good one though. felt tense and awful all day.

Don't think I can really add anymore to this, just been a plain day.

Day 23

What an odd day. such a mixture of emotions.

finished the front garden which is great and me and my dad might be doing something together at last, the side part of the house, replanting a border. We hardly get time to do things together so I'm looking forward to it.

I think I have also got myself a date for the weekend. This is my first date in 18 months since my relationship ended. I'm looking forward to it, but also I'm nervous. I just hope nothing goes wrong, hope I'm not too anxious. This might sound stupid but in some ways I feel as though I'm cheating on my ex, which I'm not as we are not going out together any more. Its just that I was so in love and never thought I would go out with anyone else. I hope this will pass.

... I am very excited though :)

Also got my new course through today. Creative writing. It looks like fun, also looks hard work. Really am looking forward to it though.

Maybe I wont be single this Christmas?

10 September 2007

Day 22

bit glum today, well this evening. Wont go in to detail as it might just be nothing.

Feel a little lost, out of focus. Like I don't know what I'm heading for anymore. the last few days have just drifted by and I've realised that I've hardly been happy. Hopefully it will pass.

9 September 2007

Days 20 and 21

well yesterday was a busy day. I went to the tip with my dad and quickly in to town. I was very tense with it all. really didn't like being in town, lot of angry young drivers around.

Ordered a few books including CBT for dummies which was highly recommended to me. Cant wait to have a read through that. I'm finding it so difficult to be around people, even talking to them online. As much as I don't want to be anxious all the time, I don't want to be on my own either. I cant avoid people (however much I might want to).

I spent today in the garden. I like to be in the garden, well most of the time I do. I don't like being in the front garden in case I meet anyone, how stupid does that sound?

I'm already struggling. I haven't stopped going out, I'm just finding it more and more difficult. The more people that are around me, the more I want to run.

7 September 2007

Day 19

not much to add again today. cleaned room and started sorting through plants. got to help my dad out tomorrow, sort out the garage, so I will have to go out to the tip with him.

6 September 2007

Day 18

Not much to add today. Still cleaning through the house, flies have almost gone now but they are still nesting inside my plants that I put outside. I just hope the weather stays warm while I get those done, have a feeling it will take a while.

My brother and his girlfriend went home the last night. I spent a little time with them before they went. Its nice to see my brother in love. I think they will make a good couple. In some ways I wish I was going out with someone, it makes the conversation flow better, extra to talk about as well.

I'm thinking through all my finances, trying to work out how I'm going to save. Would like to save so I can rent a flat, need £2000-£3000 for that. And would like a similar amount so I can get a new car. Its going to take some time and the sooner I'm back in work the better. But it really is quite exciting. the thought of having my own place, a nice car and a good job.

5 September 2007

Day 17

Guess who went out today!!!!!

Had no choice in the matter. My mum had to go out and since she is still a bit wobbly on her legs, I had to go with her. So we went in to town and in to two shops. Gotta admit I was very tense and couldn't wait to get home, wasn't as good as previous times. Hopefully I will keep the walking up again, I hadn't gone out in a few days.

I was looking at Mercedes e class last night and decided that the 'a class' might be a better idea. They are a bit smaller, probably better on fuel and insurance. they also look like they are higher up which would be quite nice, also a bit cheaper. So I got some saving up to do.

I'm also saving up to upgrade my camcorder. Since I love to write, I have tried reading out a small piece. It helped to see how it flowed, especially in conversation areas. However I found that I couldn't hear myself very well and need an external microphone, something my current camcorder can't take. So will probably sell that and get a different one. Need to get a microphone too. All a bit of fun.

4 September 2007

Day 16

What a busy day. We have been invaded by small flies from a plant that we had gotten a few weeks ago. I have spent today trying to get rid of them. Cleaned through the lounge and put all the plants outside, they all need the soil changing now just in case the flies have nested.

Sadly I didn't get out today, but I got so much done.

I will be ordering some new clothes soon that i have seen, trying out a different suit colour. I'm trying to get things ready for when I get back in to work. Since I want an office based job I'm trying to get some smart stuff. So if this new stuff turns out to be good then I will put up a picture of myself in it, give me something to aim for.

I have also decided that I need to get a new car. I still have my first car which me and my ex used to go around in. It has a lot of memories which I think I need to let go of. A car is something used often and I don't think that I should be reminded of these things all the time. So I am going to try and get the car I have been wanting for a while now. A Mercedes E class. Apparently the actor Karl Davies drives one, and like me he is very good looking *cough*, so it must be a car for good looking people. I'm not much of a materialistic person so it would be a nice little treat, well quite big. Haven't decided what to get; petrol, diesel, automatic, manual?

Day 15

I'm noticing the effects of not going out now. I cant think very well, get confused. Everything seems to be moving at a fast pace. So tomorrow I have to go out.

Didn't go out for a meal today. woke up feeling very dizzy and just felt in general a bit rough all day. I think a nice walk tomorrow will do me good.

Although I am trying to get up early I'm finding it difficult to let go of the evening. I like the night, its quiet, my time. Don't really like loosing that to get more morning. Although I would like to go for a morning walk at some point.

2 September 2007

Day 14b

Still haven't been out. Not good I know. But to be honest I'm not that bothered about it at the moment. I might be going out tomorrow for a meal so that should make up for all these days that I haven't been out.

There has been a lot of family things going on recently. Cousins wedding yesterday, my dad falling over, my brother coming round, a phone call from my sister the other day (we don't usually get to talk on the phone so that was nice), and my other sister causing arguments over the phone today. Although I think my sister has been acting very selfishly recently (why, I don't know), it has made me realise that i myself have not acted very nicely towards others either.

The problem seems to be with how I act around others. When I was with my ex I wasn't myself, I would be very tense, worried about saying things wrong and forgetting who I was by taking on so much of my ex's personality (when you love someone, you get in to the habit of copying them). I am not very open towards people by not saying what I think or being able to show praise, sorrow or love.

I believe this all goes back to my final years of school. During the ages of 13-16 I was bullied at school. Mainly verbal, I was an easy target, and although it was not a daily thing, I hated going to school. That destroyed my confidence, especially when my friends joined in. I lost respect for people, I lost trust in them and I centered in on myself. I did still care for others, but I suppose out of fear of rejection or humiliation I kept my feelings to myself.

The time has come when I need to stand up to the world and show that i exist. I need to show my feelings, show off my ideas and be things right or wrong, by trying them I will find out for myself.

I never thought that at 21 I would still be so confused about myself and about the world around me. But like all fears, you have to face them.


Sorry I'm a bit late with this.

Its been a long day. I was woken up by my mum running in to my room with a mobile saying ' how do I work this'?

I have had to stay in all day to look after her, although she is in pain with her back, she is doing OK. My dad meanwhile went to my cousins wedding. I have just been up for the last hour looking through the photos.

My dad had a fall while at the wedding, he is OK but it has made me realise how much I love him. He can be annoying at times, but I don't know what I would do without him. Although he farts in every room and is constantly telling people to pull his finger (to which he happily farts, my nephews love this), he is a very genuine person who puts everyone before himself and I admire him for that.

I'm thinking about treating my parents to something, just as a thank you sorta thing. No, I'm not moving out, not yet at least. Just thinking about a little something to let them know that although I find it difficult showing my feelings to people, I do still care. any ideas anyone?

I have also spent an hour today writing a little scene about a developing character of mine called Jack. We seem to be getting on very well together so hopefully I will see more of him.

31 August 2007

Day 12

Nothing to add today. Its been busy as my mum had to have an injection in her back so I have been at home getting a few jobs done. Although I have had to use the phone a lot today (something I don't like doing), so at least I faced up to some part of my anxiety.

I'm not sure if I will be able to get out tomorrow either as I have to stay and look after my mum. But hopefully I will get something done on Sunday. Its going to be busy next week.

30 August 2007

Day 11

Today has not been a good day for me. I felt very anxious and tense. I just woke up like it. I knew that I needed to do something to take my mind off it and thankfully chose to cut the lawn, it was either that or go for a walk in to town. I'm glad I didn't go in to town as there was a fatal accident. I have seen house fires, car fires, turned up after a fatal accident and seen a few car crashes, but to have seen that would have probably left me house bound for a while.

Its a shame that these things happen and I do get upset especially if a young person is involved. Although it just goes to prove that we never know when its going to end. We all know that we will go one day but not when that day will be. So the best thing to do is to make the most out of life that you can. All the more reason for me to keep going out.

29 August 2007

Day 10

nothing to say about today I don't think. felt tired all day so I'm writing this and getting an early night.

managed to do some writing this afternoon which I haven't done in a while. Its a story based on an idea which I had while trying to get to sleep last week. I had finished reading only to lie in bed, and just as I was starting to sleep I came up with the idea. Thankfully I managed to roll out of my nice warm bed and quickly write it down before I ran back and fell asleep. Lets just hope it turns in to a good story.

28 August 2007

Day 9

Just come back from a walk. went even further today. As i came out the other end of the subway I saw a police car heading towards the supermarket, I used to work there. So I though I would cycle round and just drift past, as you do. Probably a shoplifter, never found out.

I stopped outside the shop wondering what to do next. two lads came out and came so close to me I just thought they were going to stab me in the back. I instantly thought it. I was turning round at the time to go home so I carried on and they went in the opposite direction. I felt very unsafe.

I got to the subway again and saw someone across the road, well when I say saw I mean just the outline of someone. I'm short sighted but only wear glasses for driving, hate having things in front of my eyes. But my sight has gotten worse over the last two years so, now I cant always see people very well.

As I was going under the subway I noticed the same person, on a bike, follow me. I instantly thought again that I was going to be attacked, mugged, bike stolen... I walked a bit faster and in to the car park, got on my bike and cycled a little. I noticed this person stop in front of an information sign. So I cycled around a bit, pretending to look at a recycling bin. I had clearly gotten this person wrong . maybe they were lost?

I needed to stay around and see what this person was like if I could, face my fear as such. As I walked out of the car park this person went to the end of the road, stopped, and then cycled back on my side of the road, so I got a close look.

They were no threat, in fact I think my heart skipped a beat, this person was rather nice. I couldn't believe how wrong I had gotten them. I don't know what age they were. Taller then me but at my age that means nothing, most people are taller than me now. A few years younger than me at a guess.

I wont forget that person in a hurry. Hopefully today will remind me to not see everyone as a threat. Maybe I will pass that way again tomorrow?

27 August 2007

Day 8

OK so today was completely different. Didn't go for a walk but went out with my parents instead. We went in the car to a local garden center. I think we were out for two or three hours in all. Had a look around etc.

I have found another thing that really bothers me... my height. At the garden center there were some lads there, probably late teens at a guess. Thing is they were all taller than me, which made me feel younger (not in a good way, I felt like a child compared to them). Then again I don't think I can really do anything about that, bit of a shame really. I suppose 5ft 7 ain't to bad, at least I'm taller than my brother, that's the main thing.

That's it really for today. cut back lawn, went out, made dinner... that's about it. nothing fantastic to report.

26 August 2007

Day 7

Well even though it is my day off I went for a walk, and i went a little further. I walked under the subway to the river on the other side. Being a Sunday there wasn't many people around, just the odd car and a few people sitting outside the local pub. Although even this got to me.

I feel invisible when I go out, like I shouldn't be there. I think the whole social issue is due to confidence in myself. I think that if I grew more confident in myself and my own abilities then maybe I would feel like part of society instead of hiding from it.

I went with my bike again and did a mixture of cycling and walking, took almost half an hour in all, so not a bad walk really.

Its been an odd day and a very thoughtful one. Still, I managed that walk and I finished off cleaning the windows... and helped cook dinner.
Above is a picture of the river, where I walked to.


Your eyes looked at mine, ears pricked back while your tail knocked down everything in it’s path. Like a powerful storm you cleared a space. Like the sun you smiled, spreading warmth, I could see it in your eyes. You could warm the coldest of hearts. As a River, you flowed love. You were only saying “hello.”

Though you are gone your love remains. It covers my heart, my heart that misses you with every beat. The house is empty, something amiss, a space not filled. You remain here, though greatly missed.

Death by omelet

While cooking an omelet for lunch a fly decided to have a quick taste. I don't know if I was angry at this fly for ruining my lunch or sorry for it for ending its life in an omelet.

A little extra

I'm pleased that I wrote that last post. I needed to let go of that day. We all have things we have done in our past that we are ashamed of, people we let down or hurt. Although we never forget them, after all that is how we learn, we need to forgive ourselves so we can move on. I hope I can shed some more of these weights, they are painful to remember but until I do, I cant move on.

Sorry Dad

While writing a story I remembered about an event that happened two years ago. It is not very clear to me but even though the memory isn't clear, the feelings surrounding it are still easily felt.

It was during the spring/ summer of 2005, my ex was getting ready to go to uni (something which bothered me, I felt insecure about it as I wasn't the best catch anymore, I couldn't even go out). I felt very vulnerable and had no confidence. Even though I wanted people so much, to tell me things would be OK and to give me hugs, I pushed them away. I suppose I didn't feel as though I deserved hugs. I had let things get to far and I wished that I had faced up to things sooner, I hated who, or rather what I had become.

My dad, during that day was just trimming some of the things in the garden. This was something I usually did, being quite a keen gardener, it was something that I was naturally good at.

I think I just felt as though my dad was entering my space, it was the one thing I felt slightly good at. The thing is that I lost it with him. I shouted at him, I even through my book case over. Even thinking about this now is making my eyes start to water, I have never felt so ashed of myself, never dropped so low. I can still remember the look on his face as he walked out of my room. He had never seen me so angry and I think he was upset as he couldn't do anything about it.

The thing is, was that I was in the wrong. I was upset and I took it out on him, its not even my garden. Trouble is that I get myself so attached to things. i had become so angry and frustrated with my situation.

So dad, if you ever read this, then I'm sorry how I treated you that day. x

25 August 2007

Day 6

Well its the weekend, so its day off time. I feel a bit more fresh today. I have broken a rule of mine. Had a very small amount of alcohol last night.... and the night before. Not much at all, just wanted to be myself a little. I'm not one to live by rules. I start feeling caged and controlled after a while. I like my freedom.

Trying to decide about next weeks challenge. I already know what it is going to be but I'm just not sure if I should stick to what I have been doing for another week. I might just see what I feel like when I go for my walk on Monday. If I want to go a bit further then I will do.

There is so much that I want to do now. Although my past upsets me, people I have lost and things I have done wrong, I feel as though I have a future to look forward to.

Its been nice and sunny today, always puts me in a good mood.


What an amazing thing the human mind is. I had a dream last night, not a normal one, but one which proves just how complex our minds really are. This dream I had was played twice, well almost twice. The second time round I replayed the beginning of the dream. During this recap everything people said in my dream was the same, everything they did was the same. The only different thing was me, i acted and said things differently. However you would think that none of it would have made sense, but it did, it just had a different meaning.

However although it showed how complex my mind is, it was also all complete rubbish. After all I don't actually live in a castle and I'm not rich. But we can all dream...

24 August 2007

Day 5

Well not much to tell today folks. Got up a little late, turned off my CD player and went back to sleep again... however I have found an alarm clock which might just work. It has a ball on it that is thrown off the clock, the only way to turn off the alarm is to find the ball and place it back on to the clock. sounds like fun to me.

I haven't been out today, I know that I should have. Just been in the garden most of the day, having slight panics.

i got a message today from someone who is going through similar problems but who is younger than me. He mentioned about keeping a diary as being helpful which reminded me, writing letters can be helpful as well.

When my relationship ended about 18 months ago I would write letters directed to my ex, but I wouldn't send them. I found it very useful to vent off feelings that way. I am now thinking of doing the same thing but directed towards panic in itself, viewed as though it is a person. Also as I think some of my social problems are caused by bullying during the last three years of school (all verbal, but not very good for your confidence), so I will direct letters perhaps to those people. I would rather not think about my school days, even writing this on here, I don't want to 'publish' it. But perhaps that's what I need to do. Bullies have a habit of forgetting all about the person they bullied and moving on with there lives, its usually the bullied that are left with the memories.

The subway

This is the subway, the place i have been aiming to get to each day. Sorry about the quality of the picture but its not easy holding a bike in one hand and a phone in the other.

23 August 2007

Day 4

A very weird day today. Mood swings I think.

I was up late. I thought that my alarm hadn't gone off but it had, must have turned it off without realising it.

Well the sun was out again so I spent a lot of the day in the garden. Also had to do lunch for me and mum today and the dinner, as my mum has started getting problems with her back again. So will probably have to help out some more over the next few weeks.

I did go out today. Walked with my bike, changed the route slightly. Each day I have kept a record of how anxious I have felt when out and its been going up, don't know if that's a good thing or not. It will probably go up before it goes down I expect.

What really got to me today was seeing a group of about 4 teenagers on the other side of the road. Just hearing them and knowing that they were there made me feel bad. I wanted to hide so much I didn't realise I had actually started walking in to the bushes next to the pavement. They weren't doing anything wrong, I think they just reminded me of school. I didn't get on with a lot of people at my last school, I was an easy target.

22 August 2007

Day 3

Well not much to say today. It has been a busy day and I have made the most of the good, if slightly windy, weather. I have been out in the garden, mowing the front lawn and putting down some more grass seed.

I managed to get up early today. I stayed awake after my alarm went off although I sat in bed and listened to the radio for a while.

I haven't actually been out today. I was thinking of going out on my own (as me and my mum didn't go out anywhere), however I thought that a days break probably wouldn't be a bad thing. it gave me the chance to give my goldfish a bath and some clean drinking water. I think it helped to take my mind away from things for a while.

It will be back to the walking tomorrow. Having today off has made it seem less of a weight.

Thank You!

Just wanted to say a big thank you to all who have commented so far. I am very grateful for your support. Also thank you to Jude who presented me with the creative blogger award. I take it the cheque's in the post Jude?

21 August 2007

Day 2

Well I got a better night sleep last night, so good that I struggled to get out of it again this morning. It was just so snug and warm, and cold and cloudy outside. But I did get up earlier so it seems to be working.

I also went for my walk, again not in the morning, but I went none the less. I had to change my walk a bit, as getting to the subway involves going through a car park which was very busy, so I took a different way round and admired two cars driving badly up the road. One was swerving from one lane to another while the other car was driving just a foot away from it. This did make me nervous as I didn't want to witness an accident, thankfully nothing happened and I saw them drive away.

I have now reached the stage which I hate, although I am pleased with my progress, I feel very vulnerable. the slightest noise and I run the opposite way. I still took my bike with me today, I walked with it beside me. I have probably left a hand imprint in the metal of my handlebars, think I was a little tense.

Thankfully I will have a little break tomorrow, well sort of. I will be going out, but with my mum. We are going to go to a shop in town, I think she needs to get something. I usually feel more at ease with her so tomorrow i can go out and hopefully enjoy the walk a bit more.

I must confess I am enjoying doing this blog, its great to be able to look at it and know that its what I have done. Although I'm usually not quite so open to the world, so its a little weird.

Day 1

Day1 (monday).
Sorry about the post being late. I only set up the blog on sunday evening and got the basics up yesterday. So here is how yesterday went for me:

Didn't get up on time as I had trouble sleeping. However all was not lost. I went for my walk, sadly it was during the evening and not the morning as planned, but a walk is better than no walk.

I was a little nervous at first. I walked with my bike. It took about 15 minutes and I walked at a steady pace. When I got to the subway I stopped, took a picture of it and walked back home.

The only times that I felt really bad were when leaving the house, when seeing other people, and when starting to walk back. I think that when I was going back I realised actually how far I had gone, home seemed further away then the subway had done when I was at home.

20 August 2007

Week 1 challenge

My challenge this week is to walk to the subway and back on my own. I have to do this everyday during the week. The weekends I will have as time off. If I try to much then I run the risk of giving up under the stress.
The subway is probably about a quarter of a mile away and the time I expect it to take would be about 15 to 20 minutes there and back.
Food and drink will play a part in this. These next few weeks will not be easy so I need to make sure that I am looking after myself and getting all the energy I need. This can also in itself help to control anxiety. So healthy food, plenty of fruit and veg.
Drinks will also be kept to:

  • No more than 2 cups of tea a day
  • A special drink before bed like hot chocolate
  • Boiled or cold water
  • No alcohol


My names John. I’m 21 and have suffered from agoraphobia, panic attacks and social phobia for the last three years. This is the blog that’s going to change all that though. I am giving myself a month to be able to get in to town where I live and in to the shops. This is going to be done by a weekly challenge, a walk, the distance of which will be increased each week.
After this month I will be going in to the job centre to start the process of getting myself gradually in to work again.
I have tried to recover before, but never with the support and information available to me which I have now.
This is my chance to get back in to the outside world again. Its not going to be easy. However I will share every moment with you. I will benefit from this blog by having something to look back on in years to come. Hopefully other people in similar situations will also be encouraged to take on the challenge for themselves or to help a loved one gain there freedom.