Day 14b

Still haven't been out. Not good I know. But to be honest I'm not that bothered about it at the moment. I might be going out tomorrow for a meal so that should make up for all these days that I haven't been out.

There has been a lot of family things going on recently. Cousins wedding yesterday, my dad falling over, my brother coming round, a phone call from my sister the other day (we don't usually get to talk on the phone so that was nice), and my other sister causing arguments over the phone today. Although I think my sister has been acting very selfishly recently (why, I don't know), it has made me realise that i myself have not acted very nicely towards others either.

The problem seems to be with how I act around others. When I was with my ex I wasn't myself, I would be very tense, worried about saying things wrong and forgetting who I was by taking on so much of my ex's personality (when you love someone, you get in to the habit of copying them). I am not very open towards people by not saying what I think or being able to show praise, sorrow or love.

I believe this all goes back to my final years of school. During the ages of 13-16 I was bullied at school. Mainly verbal, I was an easy target, and although it was not a daily thing, I hated going to school. That destroyed my confidence, especially when my friends joined in. I lost respect for people, I lost trust in them and I centered in on myself. I did still care for others, but I suppose out of fear of rejection or humiliation I kept my feelings to myself.

The time has come when I need to stand up to the world and show that i exist. I need to show my feelings, show off my ideas and be things right or wrong, by trying them I will find out for myself.

I never thought that at 21 I would still be so confused about myself and about the world around me. But like all fears, you have to face them.