25 August 2007

Day 6

Well its the weekend, so its day off time. I feel a bit more fresh today. I have broken a rule of mine. Had a very small amount of alcohol last night.... and the night before. Not much at all, just wanted to be myself a little. I'm not one to live by rules. I start feeling caged and controlled after a while. I like my freedom.

Trying to decide about next weeks challenge. I already know what it is going to be but I'm just not sure if I should stick to what I have been doing for another week. I might just see what I feel like when I go for my walk on Monday. If I want to go a bit further then I will do.

There is so much that I want to do now. Although my past upsets me, people I have lost and things I have done wrong, I feel as though I have a future to look forward to.

Its been nice and sunny today, always puts me in a good mood.


What an amazing thing the human mind is. I had a dream last night, not a normal one, but one which proves just how complex our minds really are. This dream I had was played twice, well almost twice. The second time round I replayed the beginning of the dream. During this recap everything people said in my dream was the same, everything they did was the same. The only different thing was me, i acted and said things differently. However you would think that none of it would have made sense, but it did, it just had a different meaning.

However although it showed how complex my mind is, it was also all complete rubbish. After all I don't actually live in a castle and I'm not rich. But we can all dream...

24 August 2007

Day 5

Well not much to tell today folks. Got up a little late, turned off my CD player and went back to sleep again... however I have found an alarm clock which might just work. It has a ball on it that is thrown off the clock, the only way to turn off the alarm is to find the ball and place it back on to the clock. sounds like fun to me.

I haven't been out today, I know that I should have. Just been in the garden most of the day, having slight panics.

i got a message today from someone who is going through similar problems but who is younger than me. He mentioned about keeping a diary as being helpful which reminded me, writing letters can be helpful as well.

When my relationship ended about 18 months ago I would write letters directed to my ex, but I wouldn't send them. I found it very useful to vent off feelings that way. I am now thinking of doing the same thing but directed towards panic in itself, viewed as though it is a person. Also as I think some of my social problems are caused by bullying during the last three years of school (all verbal, but not very good for your confidence), so I will direct letters perhaps to those people. I would rather not think about my school days, even writing this on here, I don't want to 'publish' it. But perhaps that's what I need to do. Bullies have a habit of forgetting all about the person they bullied and moving on with there lives, its usually the bullied that are left with the memories.

The subway

This is the subway, the place i have been aiming to get to each day. Sorry about the quality of the picture but its not easy holding a bike in one hand and a phone in the other.

23 August 2007

Day 4

A very weird day today. Mood swings I think.

I was up late. I thought that my alarm hadn't gone off but it had, must have turned it off without realising it.

Well the sun was out again so I spent a lot of the day in the garden. Also had to do lunch for me and mum today and the dinner, as my mum has started getting problems with her back again. So will probably have to help out some more over the next few weeks.

I did go out today. Walked with my bike, changed the route slightly. Each day I have kept a record of how anxious I have felt when out and its been going up, don't know if that's a good thing or not. It will probably go up before it goes down I expect.

What really got to me today was seeing a group of about 4 teenagers on the other side of the road. Just hearing them and knowing that they were there made me feel bad. I wanted to hide so much I didn't realise I had actually started walking in to the bushes next to the pavement. They weren't doing anything wrong, I think they just reminded me of school. I didn't get on with a lot of people at my last school, I was an easy target.

22 August 2007

Day 3

Well not much to say today. It has been a busy day and I have made the most of the good, if slightly windy, weather. I have been out in the garden, mowing the front lawn and putting down some more grass seed.

I managed to get up early today. I stayed awake after my alarm went off although I sat in bed and listened to the radio for a while.

I haven't actually been out today. I was thinking of going out on my own (as me and my mum didn't go out anywhere), however I thought that a days break probably wouldn't be a bad thing. it gave me the chance to give my goldfish a bath and some clean drinking water. I think it helped to take my mind away from things for a while.

It will be back to the walking tomorrow. Having today off has made it seem less of a weight.

Thank You!

Just wanted to say a big thank you to all who have commented so far. I am very grateful for your support. Also thank you to Jude who presented me with the creative blogger award. I take it the cheque's in the post Jude?

21 August 2007

Day 2

Well I got a better night sleep last night, so good that I struggled to get out of it again this morning. It was just so snug and warm, and cold and cloudy outside. But I did get up earlier so it seems to be working.

I also went for my walk, again not in the morning, but I went none the less. I had to change my walk a bit, as getting to the subway involves going through a car park which was very busy, so I took a different way round and admired two cars driving badly up the road. One was swerving from one lane to another while the other car was driving just a foot away from it. This did make me nervous as I didn't want to witness an accident, thankfully nothing happened and I saw them drive away.

I have now reached the stage which I hate, although I am pleased with my progress, I feel very vulnerable. the slightest noise and I run the opposite way. I still took my bike with me today, I walked with it beside me. I have probably left a hand imprint in the metal of my handlebars, think I was a little tense.

Thankfully I will have a little break tomorrow, well sort of. I will be going out, but with my mum. We are going to go to a shop in town, I think she needs to get something. I usually feel more at ease with her so tomorrow i can go out and hopefully enjoy the walk a bit more.

I must confess I am enjoying doing this blog, its great to be able to look at it and know that its what I have done. Although I'm usually not quite so open to the world, so its a little weird.

Day 1

Day1 (monday).
Sorry about the post being late. I only set up the blog on sunday evening and got the basics up yesterday. So here is how yesterday went for me:

Didn't get up on time as I had trouble sleeping. However all was not lost. I went for my walk, sadly it was during the evening and not the morning as planned, but a walk is better than no walk.

I was a little nervous at first. I walked with my bike. It took about 15 minutes and I walked at a steady pace. When I got to the subway I stopped, took a picture of it and walked back home.

The only times that I felt really bad were when leaving the house, when seeing other people, and when starting to walk back. I think that when I was going back I realised actually how far I had gone, home seemed further away then the subway had done when I was at home.

20 August 2007

Week 1 challenge

My challenge this week is to walk to the subway and back on my own. I have to do this everyday during the week. The weekends I will have as time off. If I try to much then I run the risk of giving up under the stress.
The subway is probably about a quarter of a mile away and the time I expect it to take would be about 15 to 20 minutes there and back.
Food and drink will play a part in this. These next few weeks will not be easy so I need to make sure that I am looking after myself and getting all the energy I need. This can also in itself help to control anxiety. So healthy food, plenty of fruit and veg.
Drinks will also be kept to:

  • No more than 2 cups of tea a day
  • A special drink before bed like hot chocolate
  • Boiled or cold water
  • No alcohol


My names John. I’m 21 and have suffered from agoraphobia, panic attacks and social phobia for the last three years. This is the blog that’s going to change all that though. I am giving myself a month to be able to get in to town where I live and in to the shops. This is going to be done by a weekly challenge, a walk, the distance of which will be increased each week.
After this month I will be going in to the job centre to start the process of getting myself gradually in to work again.
I have tried to recover before, but never with the support and information available to me which I have now.
This is my chance to get back in to the outside world again. Its not going to be easy. However I will share every moment with you. I will benefit from this blog by having something to look back on in years to come. Hopefully other people in similar situations will also be encouraged to take on the challenge for themselves or to help a loved one gain there freedom.