Day 12

Nothing to add today. Its been busy as my mum had to have an injection in her back so I have been at home getting a few jobs done. Although I have had to use the phone a lot today (something I don't like doing), so at least I faced up to some part of my anxiety.

I'm not sure if I will be able to get out tomorrow either as I have to stay and look after my mum. But hopefully I will get something done on Sunday. Its going to be busy next week.

Day 11

Today has not been a good day for me. I felt very anxious and tense. I just woke up like it. I knew that I needed to do something to take my mind off it and thankfully chose to cut the lawn, it was either that or go for a walk in to town. I'm glad I didn't go in to town as there was a fatal accident. I have seen house fires, car fires, turned up after a fatal accident and seen a few car crashes, but to have seen that would have probably left me house bound for a while.

Its a shame that these things happen and I do get upset especially if a young person is involved. Although it just goes to prove that we never know when its going to end. We all know that we will go one day but not when that day will be. So the best thing to do is to make the most out of life that you can. All the more reason for me to keep going out.

Day 10

nothing to say about today I don't think. felt tired all day so I'm writing this and getting an early night.

managed to do some writing this afternoon which I haven't done in a while. Its a story based on an idea which I had while trying to get to sleep last week. I had finished reading only to lie in bed, and just as I was starting to sleep I came up with the idea. Thankfully I managed to roll out of my nice warm bed and quickly write it down before I ran back and fell asleep. Lets just hope it turns in to a good story.

Day 9

Just come back from a walk. went even further today. As i came out the other end of the subway I saw a police car heading towards the supermarket, I used to work there. So I though I would cycle round and just drift past, as you do. Probably a shoplifter, never found out.

I stopped outside the shop wondering what to do next. two lads came out and came so close to me I just thought they were going to stab me in the back. I instantly thought it. I was turning round at the time to go home so I carried on and they went in the opposite direction. I felt very unsafe.

I got to the subway again and saw someone across the road, well when I say saw I mean just the outline of someone. I'm short sighted but only wear glasses for driving, hate having things in front of my eyes. But my sight has gotten worse over the last two years so, now I cant always see people very well.

As I was going under the subway I noticed the same person, on a bike, follow me. I instantly thought again that I was going to be attacked, mugged, bike stolen... I walked a bit faster and in to the car park, got on my bike and cycled a little. I noticed this person stop in front of an information sign. So I cycled around a bit, pretending to look at a recycling bin. I had clearly gotten this person wrong . maybe they were lost?

I needed to stay around and see what this person was like if I could, face my fear as such. As I walked out of the car park this person went to the end of the road, stopped, and then cycled back on my side of the road, so I got a close look.

They were no threat, in fact I think my heart skipped a beat, this person was rather nice. I couldn't believe how wrong I had gotten them. I don't know what age they were. Taller then me but at my age that means nothing, most people are taller than me now. A few years younger than me at a guess.

I wont forget that person in a hurry. Hopefully today will remind me to not see everyone as a threat. Maybe I will pass that way again tomorrow?

Day 8

OK so today was completely different. Didn't go for a walk but went out with my parents instead. We went in the car to a local garden center. I think we were out for two or three hours in all. Had a look around etc.

I have found another thing that really bothers me... my height. At the garden center there were some lads there, probably late teens at a guess. Thing is they were all taller than me, which made me feel younger (not in a good way, I felt like a child compared to them). Then again I don't think I can really do anything about that, bit of a shame really. I suppose 5ft 7 ain't to bad, at least I'm taller than my brother, that's the main thing.

That's it really for today. cut back lawn, went out, made dinner... that's about it. nothing fantastic to report.

Day 7

Well even though it is my day off I went for a walk, and i went a little further. I walked under the subway to the river on the other side. Being a Sunday there wasn't many people around, just the odd car and a few people sitting outside the local pub. Although even this got to me.

I feel invisible when I go out, like I shouldn't be there. I think the whole social issue is due to confidence in myself. I think that if I grew more confident in myself and my own abilities then maybe I would feel like part of society instead of hiding from it.

I went with my bike again and did a mixture of cycling and walking, took almost half an hour in all, so not a bad walk really.

Its been an odd day and a very thoughtful one. Still, I managed that walk and I finished off cleaning the windows... and helped cook dinner.

Above is a picture of the river, where I walked to.

Ben

Your eyes looked at mine, ears pricked back while your tail knocked down everything in it’s path. Like a powerful storm you cleared a space. Like the sun you smiled, spreading warmth, I could see it in your eyes. You could warm the coldest of hearts. As a River, you flowed love. You were only saying “hello.”

Though you are gone your love remains. It covers my heart, my heart that misses you with every beat. The house is empty, something amiss, a space not filled. You remain here, though greatly missed.

Death by omelet

While cooking an omelet for lunch a fly decided to have a quick taste. I don't know if I was angry at this fly for ruining my lunch or sorry for it for ending its life in an omelet.

A little extra

I'm pleased that I wrote that last post. I needed to let go of that day. We all have things we have done in our past that we are ashamed of, people we let down or hurt. Although we never forget them, after all that is how we learn, we need to forgive ourselves so we can move on. I hope I can shed some more of these weights, they are painful to remember but until I do, I cant move on.

Sorry Dad

While writing a story I remembered about an event that happened two years ago. It is not very clear to me but even though the memory isn't clear, the feelings surrounding it are still easily felt.

It was during the spring/ summer of 2005, my ex was getting ready to go to uni (something which bothered me, I felt insecure about it as I wasn't the best catch anymore, I couldn't even go out). I felt very vulnerable and had no confidence. Even though I wanted people so much, to tell me things would be OK and to give me hugs, I pushed them away. I suppose I didn't feel as though I deserved hugs. I had let things get to far and I wished that I had faced up to things sooner, I hated who, or rather what I had become.

My dad, during that day was just trimming some of the things in the garden. This was something I usually did, being quite a keen gardener, it was something that I was naturally good at.

I think I just felt as though my dad was entering my space, it was the one thing I felt slightly good at. The thing is that I lost it with him. I shouted at him, I even through my book case over. Even thinking about this now is making my eyes start to water, I have never felt so ashed of myself, never dropped so low. I can still remember the look on his face as he walked out of my room. He had never seen me so angry and I think he was upset as he couldn't do anything about it.

The thing is, was that I was in the wrong. I was upset and I took it out on him, its not even my garden. Trouble is that I get myself so attached to things. i had become so angry and frustrated with my situation.

So dad, if you ever read this, then I'm sorry how I treated you that day. x