6 April 2008

strange feeling

I read in a local paper of a 22 year old who died last week during a motor cycle accident. I have now found out who he is as I will be 22 this year so wondered if I knew the person. I have a stranger feeling that I did see him at school (it says he went to the same school), I even have a strange feeling that he was in my class during a level, although I am probably wrong.

I think the worst part of it is knowing that someone my age is dead. It was just an accident and now he is gone. I feel so sorry for him and for his parents. A young man with so much ahead of him. Its just such a shame.

13 March 2008


Around this time, 23 years ago, One of my brothers was born. He was born to early and died the following day. I of course don't remember this as I was born a year after him.

Its a strange thing for me to think about. In one way I feel as though there is something missing in my life, brothers who are close in age usually remain close throughout their life. It can feel as though half of me is missing (which would explain a lot).

In another way it has no effect on me. It might sound harsh, but he wasn't around when I was born. It has effected my family more then it has me as they all saw him and spent the little time they had together, I can only learn from what they tell me. And I do feel sorry for them. In some ways I miss my brother too.

My mum just told me that she should have given birth to him around this time, on this day. I dodn't know what to respond. I know that if he had survived then I wouldn't be here today as they wouldn't have wanted any more children. Its an odd thing to think that I have another brother, someone who I never met. In some weird way I owe my life to him. But I cant help but wonder how it might have been if we both survived, how our life's might have been different.

Hello Again!

Sorry I haven't been on in quite a while. Its been a busy time, the birth of my new nephew last month including a 5 day visit from him and his parents.

Currently I am trying to sort things out with the job centre so that I can work again, just doing a few hours a week to start off with. i have gotten a lovely mower (makes me feel manly, its red, my version of a sports car). So hopefully soon I will be doing a few local gardens. I'm slightly looking forward to it as I cant wait to have some freedom and also i last did peoples gardens when I was 16. But in some ways I'm not looking forward to it either as I sometimes find it a bit boring. But hey ho, a jobs a job.

That's all for now folks.

27 December 2007

family update and the christmas holidays

Well I am pleased to announce a new arrival to the family, I now have a niece. She was born at the weekend just before Christmas. But I can add to that news as my brother has also asked his girlfriend to marry him (she said yes).

It has been a busy few days, enjoyable and thought provoking. We have had our new arrival, the good news from my brother and shared a few days together as a family. Sadly there was some bad news a few weeks ago involving someone who was in my year at school. While on holiday he got shot in the head during a tragic accident. He is still alive but is expected to have disabilities. That really made me think, he is the same age as me and almost lost his life. Life is a wonderful yet fragile thing and my heart went out to his family this Christmas.

This year I got my nephews an electric guitar. Its there birthday present as well. I wanted to get them one as they had shown an interest and while there young its best to learn. The looks on there faces when they opened it up made it all worthwhile. It will be something I will never forget. Now I'm going to get some guitar lessons sorted, so who knows, I might be playing guitar with my nephews one day.

To all of you out there, I hope you had a happy and peaceful Christmas.

2 December 2007

Another update

After getting that shirt a few months back, I finally actually wore it.


Sorry I haven't been on for so long, busy time of year.

well about two weeks back I had a bad cold/ flu type thing, hence the last post. Sadly colds and flu set me back. Anxiety problems usually start after a flu/ cold, so its not surprising that after you have one, anxiety gets worse.

Thankfully I have started going out again although it feels like i have started from the beginning. The first few times I went out, I was extremely nervous by the time I had gotten down the road. every time a person went past I would feel even worse.

All I can do is carry on with getting out and hope things ease off again soon. Although with a new niece and nephew on there way very soon, something tells me its going to get quite busy around here.

10 November 2007

johnnie darko

There are times just like this when the urge to run away from life, from responsibilities, is at its greatest. Life has developed in to nothing. Freedom does not exist. Everything we do is monitored, every simple thing made complex, every detail enlarged. How long can we go picking at ourselves?

I'm going to work for myself, has soon as I have found out all the red tape and how it works.

Freedom is what you make of it. Money plays no part.People are what you make of them. Risks have to be taken in order to learn, so you can experience... life.

Right now all I want is to be alone, to have no one around me. Whats my greatest flaw? People, they are what bring the worst out of me, people.