Day 19

not much to add again today. cleaned room and started sorting through plants. got to help my dad out tomorrow, sort out the garage, so I will have to go out to the tip with him.

Day 18

Not much to add today. Still cleaning through the house, flies have almost gone now but they are still nesting inside my plants that I put outside. I just hope the weather stays warm while I get those done, have a feeling it will take a while.

My brother and his girlfriend went home the last night. I spent a little time with them before they went. Its nice to see my brother in love. I think they will make a good couple. In some ways I wish I was going out with someone, it makes the conversation flow better, extra to talk about as well.

I'm thinking through all my finances, trying to work out how I'm going to save. Would like to save so I can rent a flat, need £2000-£3000 for that. And would like a similar amount so I can get a new car. Its going to take some time and the sooner I'm back in work the better. But it really is quite exciting. the thought of having my own place, a nice car and a good job.

Day 17

Guess who went out today!!!!!

Had no choice in the matter. My mum had to go out and since she is still a bit wobbly on her legs, I had to go with her. So we went in to town and in to two shops. Gotta admit I was very tense and couldn't wait to get home, wasn't as good as previous times. Hopefully I will keep the walking up again, I hadn't gone out in a few days.

I was looking at Mercedes e class last night and decided that the 'a class' might be a better idea. They are a bit smaller, probably better on fuel and insurance. they also look like they are higher up which would be quite nice, also a bit cheaper. So I got some saving up to do.

I'm also saving up to upgrade my camcorder. Since I love to write, I have tried reading out a small piece. It helped to see how it flowed, especially in conversation areas. However I found that I couldn't hear myself very well and need an external microphone, something my current camcorder can't take. So will probably sell that and get a different one. Need to get a microphone too. All a bit of fun.

Day 16

What a busy day. We have been invaded by small flies from a plant that we had gotten a few weeks ago. I have spent today trying to get rid of them. Cleaned through the lounge and put all the plants outside, they all need the soil changing now just in case the flies have nested.

Sadly I didn't get out today, but I got so much done.

I will be ordering some new clothes soon that i have seen, trying out a different suit colour. I'm trying to get things ready for when I get back in to work. Since I want an office based job I'm trying to get some smart stuff. So if this new stuff turns out to be good then I will put up a picture of myself in it, give me something to aim for.

I have also decided that I need to get a new car. I still have my first car which me and my ex used to go around in. It has a lot of memories which I think I need to let go of. A car is something used often and I don't think that I should be reminded of these things all the time. So I am going to try and get the car I have been wanting for a while now. A Mercedes E class. Apparently the actor Karl Davies drives one, and like me he is very good looking *cough*, so it must be a car for good looking people. I'm not much of a materialistic person so it would be a nice little treat, well quite big. Haven't decided what to get; petrol, diesel, automatic, manual?

Day 15

I'm noticing the effects of not going out now. I cant think very well, get confused. Everything seems to be moving at a fast pace. So tomorrow I have to go out.

Didn't go out for a meal today. woke up feeling very dizzy and just felt in general a bit rough all day. I think a nice walk tomorrow will do me good.

Although I am trying to get up early I'm finding it difficult to let go of the evening. I like the night, its quiet, my time. Don't really like loosing that to get more morning. Although I would like to go for a morning walk at some point.

Day 14b

Still haven't been out. Not good I know. But to be honest I'm not that bothered about it at the moment. I might be going out tomorrow for a meal so that should make up for all these days that I haven't been out.

There has been a lot of family things going on recently. Cousins wedding yesterday, my dad falling over, my brother coming round, a phone call from my sister the other day (we don't usually get to talk on the phone so that was nice), and my other sister causing arguments over the phone today. Although I think my sister has been acting very selfishly recently (why, I don't know), it has made me realise that i myself have not acted very nicely towards others either.

The problem seems to be with how I act around others. When I was with my ex I wasn't myself, I would be very tense, worried about saying things wrong and forgetting who I was by taking on so much of my ex's personality (when you love someone, you get in to the habit of copying them). I am not very open towards people by not saying what I think or being able to show praise, sorrow or love.

I believe this all goes back to my final years of school. During the ages of 13-16 I was bullied at school. Mainly verbal, I was an easy target, and although it was not a daily thing, I hated going to school. That destroyed my confidence, especially when my friends joined in. I lost respect for people, I lost trust in them and I centered in on myself. I did still care for others, but I suppose out of fear of rejection or humiliation I kept my feelings to myself.

The time has come when I need to stand up to the world and show that i exist. I need to show my feelings, show off my ideas and be things right or wrong, by trying them I will find out for myself.

I never thought that at 21 I would still be so confused about myself and about the world around me. But like all fears, you have to face them.

Day14a

Sorry I'm a bit late with this.

Its been a long day. I was woken up by my mum running in to my room with a mobile saying ' how do I work this'?

I have had to stay in all day to look after her, although she is in pain with her back, she is doing OK. My dad meanwhile went to my cousins wedding. I have just been up for the last hour looking through the photos.

My dad had a fall while at the wedding, he is OK but it has made me realise how much I love him. He can be annoying at times, but I don't know what I would do without him. Although he farts in every room and is constantly telling people to pull his finger (to which he happily farts, my nephews love this), he is a very genuine person who puts everyone before himself and I admire him for that.

I'm thinking about treating my parents to something, just as a thank you sorta thing. No, I'm not moving out, not yet at least. Just thinking about a little something to let them know that although I find it difficult showing my feelings to people, I do still care. any ideas anyone?

I have also spent an hour today writing a little scene about a developing character of mine called Jack. We seem to be getting on very well together so hopefully I will see more of him.